England star's X-rated seven-word fury speaks volumes after India disappointment

Come back Bazball, all is forgiven - win or bust still knocks spots off euthanasia. Ben Stokes has only drawn two of his 37 Tests as England captain - and both were at Old Trafford.

Two years ago he was frustrated by rain handing the Ashes to the Aussies, and as India ground their way to safety on a strip of road on loan from Manchester’s highways department, the fourth Rothesay Test petered out like a dirt track in the mountains.

Ultimately,England lacked the firepower to clinch the series. They took just two wickets in the last five sessions of the match. The scorebook tells us India made 425-4, leading by 114 runs, when the curtain fell.

But like every county championship match at Old Trafford this summer, ultimately the pitch broke the bowlers’ hearts and stalemate was the winner.

The true cost of England’s latest prolonged detention in the field may only become apparent if Stokes, Brydon Carse and Jofra Archer have enough gas in the tank to answer the roll call ahead of Thursday’s final Test at The Oval. The smart money says all of them won’t make it.

READ MORE: India's worst Rishabh Pant fears confirmed as injury update offered during England Test

READ MORE: Graham Thorpe told doctor he 'didn't see point of being here' before tragic death

On a surface more deadpan than a newsreader, England needed Stokes - who had not turned his arm over in 63 overs of India’s second dig on Saturday - to join the attack. So when he emerged from the phone box, dusted off his cape and trapped KL Rahul plumb in front in his fourth over, from a wicked delivery that jagged back and kept low, hope sprang eternal.

Rahul’s chanceless 90 off 228 balls had been an exemplar of crease occupation, but it didn’t lead to the proverbial house of cards. And in the end, Stokes - who cramped up during his first Test hundred for two years - was limited to bowling just 11 overs out of 142.

Almost 24 hours to the minute since he walked to the crease on 0-2, Shubman Gill’s fourth century in five weeks was finally ended by a weary waft at an innocuous Archer delivery. He became only the third captain, after Don Bradman and Sunil Gavaskar, to score four hundreds in a series.

Gill’s captaincy in the field came under fire when England piled up 669, but apart from being dropped on 46 and 81, his response from the front was impeccable. His 379-minute sentry guard was India’s first century at Old Trafford since 17-year-old Sachin Tendulkar’s unbeaten 119 salvaged a draw in 1990.

Ravindra Jadeja and Washington Sundar followed suit, but only when the pub bowling came on in the dying embers of an impasse.

You know that old chestnut about Manchester trams: You wait 35 years, and then three come along at once. For England to burst through the door, and with crocked showman Rishabh Pant only required to bat in an emergency, they needed needed to shift the adhesive Jadeja at short notice. But when Jadeja fenced at his first ball from Archer at 222-4, and Joe Root’s juggling attempted slip catch hit the deck, their best chance went with it.

Jadeja and Washington Sundar’s unbroken 203-run stand for the fifth wicket carried India to safety, even if they both reached hundreds inside the final hour by milking the testimonial bowlers.

The Indians refused handshakes with an hour to go so the southpaw alliance could reach their cheapened hundreds - which is fair enough.

And as Washington crawled to his maiden Test hundred, in the equivalent of extra time, stump microphones picked up Harry Brook’s exasperation.

“F****** hell, Washy, get on with it,” sneered Brook. Draw blimey - let’s hope Thursday’s finale at The Oval is more purposeful.